For those of you who have read my previous blog posts, my stance on social beauty is no secret- I think the concept is absolute rubbish. Social perceptions of beauty has changed so much over the years which brings me to the conclusion that it is pointless trying to match society’s idea of beauty because society will never be satisfied. Its never enough for us to be healthy and fit, we want to look like the girls who appear on magazine covers. And I can’t say its society’s fault because we are society- we all actively participate in shaping the idea of beauty. These perceptions often cause women to develop low self- esteem and self- loathing. This concept has been the focal point in songs by artists such as Melanie Martinez, Beyoncé, Billie Eilish, Colbie Caillat, Christina Aguilera just to name a few.

We are able to see into the mind of a seventeen year old girl by listening to any Billie Eilish song. She writes about depression and loneliness and how we as teenagers often have no clue how to deal with it. More importantly she writes of the battle between being who society wants you to be and who you truly are.

“If teardrops could be bottled, there’d be swimming pools filled by models. Told a tight dress is what makes you a whore.”

Billie Eilish: idontwannabeyouanymore

It’s really tough being a woman in today’s day and age (not that it was ever easy). Everyone wants to look like the models on the runway but we never consider the cost. Some women starve themselves and inflict so much pain upon themselves just to appear perfect. But that’s never enough, people are constantly criticizing nearly everything we as women do. If our skirt are too long, we’re a prude. If our dress is too tight, we’re a whore. If we show too much skin, we’re just asking for it. We can never win.

“Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before. I don’t wanna be you anymore.”

Billie Eilish: idontwannabeyouanymore

Way too many women look in the mirror each day hating the person staring back at them. It’s not right, we shouldn’t feel this way about ourselves, but we do.
The thing about lyrics is that it tells a story, gives us just a little bit of insight to the songwriter’s life, their emotions, their true feelings. We look at Queen B and see perfection but she said herself,

“Perfection is the disease of a nation.”

Beyonce: Pretty Hurts

We want perfection so badly that it’s killing us. When we can’t achieve it, we feel worthless, we begin to hate our true selves because we don’t look like the girls on TV or in Vogue Magazine.

“Blonder hair, flat chest TV says bigger is better. South Beach, sugar free Vogue says thinner is better.”

Beyonce: Pretty Hurts

The media portrays their idea of a perfect woman as blonde, white, skinny and demands that we try to be exactly like her. But it’s impossible, the models rarely look like that in real life (oh, the power of photoshop) and in the rare cases where the model is indeed that thin, they hardly ever look healthy. So what’s the point? Isn’t health more important than perfection? It should be, and that’s exactly what Beyoncé is trying to tell us through her song Pretty Hurts.

Social perceptions of beauty can often cause incredible insecurities in women, especially young women grappling with who they are and where they fit into society. In my opinion Melanie Martinez is the most influential singer of this generation. Her lyrics are spot on in terms of the pressures placed on women to be perfect. She isn’t afraid to question and criticize society.

“All the makeup in the world won’t make you less insecure.”

Melanie Martinez: Sippy Cup

This line from her single Sippy Cup speaks to us young women letting us know that no matter how we try to change ourselves and the way we look, we won’t feel any better about ourselves.

“You got weights in your pocket, when you go to the doctor’s. Your favourite candy’s cotton, that’s why all your teeth are rotten.”

Melanie Martinez: Sippy Cup

This line exposes the raw truth of the effects social perceptions of beauty can have on someone. In extreme cases, girls may starve themselves by eating cotton wool instead of food in order to prevent weight gain.

“Silly girl with silly boys”

Melanie Martinez: Sippy Cup

And for what? In most cases (not all), the reason behind this mindset is boys. The fear that no one will like you if you’re not beautiful in society’s eyes. She speaks of this topic in more than one song. The song Mrs. Potato Head is most probably the most obvious song that criticizes perceptions of beauty.

“Oh Mrs. Potato Head tell me, is it true that pain is beauty? Does a new face come with a warranty? Will a pretty face make it better?”

Melanie Martinez: Mrs. Potato Head

The phrase ‘beauty is pain’ has been used for so many years but Melanie asks whether pain is beauty, as if the biggest pain in life is the pressures of being beautiful and brings across the idea that one cannot achieve beauty without pain. The song title Mrs. Potato Head refers to the toys we’d play with when we were young- the potatoes you could dress up and change to your desire. This song speaks of girls learning to cut and paste to their will; the same way we’d change our potato head toys.

“Oh Mr. Potato Head tell me how did you afford her surgery? Do you swear you’ll stay forever? Even if her face don’t stay together.”

Melanie Martinez: Mrs. Potato Head

Linking back to women changing themselves to attract/ keep men, Melanie addresses the man in the scenario asking him what he’d do if after all the changes are made, she still wasn’t what he wanted. So often men expect us to change for them, they’d even pay for a surgery but those aren’t the men we should want; those men will never be satisfied and as soon as he’s finished with you, he’ll move on to the next great thing.

Not all artists write about what’s wrong with society, some encourage women to embrace themselves. Colbie Caillat says in her single Try,

“You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to give it all away. You just have to get up, get up, get up. You don’t have to change a single thing.”

Colbie Cailat: Try

Women need to know that we don’t have to try so hard to be what society expects us to be, it’s okay for us to be ourselves because that’s when we are most beautiful; when we aren’t trying to fit into a box or be beautiful according to society’s standards.

“Why should you care what they think of you? When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?”

Colbie Cailat: Try

It doesn’t matter if you get a million likes on Instagram, if you get a hundred compliments from strangers each day, she believes that what’s most important is that we love ourselves. At the end of the day, nobody else matters. What is the use of other people loving you, if you cannot love yourself?

It is important to reach a point where you can look in the mirror and genuinely love what you see. It’s not vain or conceited to believe that you are beautiful, it’s a form of self-love. Christina Aguilera sings,

“I am beautiful no matter what they say, words can’t bring me down. I am beautiful in every single way. Yes words can’t bring me down.”

Christina Aguilera: Beautiful

I’m sure it took her a long time to get to this point because self-love is a process that takes time to develop. It is important that people continue to make music that question society’s idea of beauty as well as uplift those who feel they are ugly and worthless in the eyes of society.

These songs and artists have inspired me to create music and films of my own that may help others feeling the same way I do towards social perceptions of beauty. I have written and recorded my first original song Break Free which you can watch below this. For many years I would constantly tell people that I didn’t care what others thought of me because I knew that I was beautiful but talk is cheap. I didn’t believe what I was saying and it took me a long time to admit it but once I did, I could move forward and begin my process of self-love. This song began a long time ago; the feeling of worthlessness and incredible pain resulted in a massive urge to break free. The feeling of being caged and trapped was unbearable. I constantly tried to change myself and in the moment it would make me feel amazing but as soon as I took off that outfit and cleaned off my makeup it felt like I was just sinking. I often wondered, who am I without all these accessories? I didn’t know.

Through writing this song, I was able to grow and understand why I felt this way and exactly how I could break out of the shackles. Music is an international language, not everyone may understand the words but watching the video would bring across the message just as well. Music has been proven to reduce stress, ease anxiety, depression and support those dealing with various conditions. I hope that these songs, including my own may help any woman to love and accept herself.

DISCLAIMER! This article is not here to shame any woman for the ‘bad’ choices she’s made when it comes to dating but rather to try and understand why it is that we constantly go for the wrong guys. Some women might describe their ‘type’ as say “ a green-eyed, brunette with a swimmers’ body”, I on the other hand would describe my ‘type’ as “fuckboy”.

The term fuckboy has been circulating for quite some time now. The Urban Dictionary certainly has strong feelings towards the word, based off its incredibly long definition but basically describes it as “an asshole of a boy who is into strictly sexual relationships”. It wouldn’t be that awful if this was the only quality of a fuckboy, unfortunately not only do they just want sex but they make girls feel as though they want something deeper, which is just cruel if you ask me. Nobody wants to be told they’re serving chocolate ice-cream when it’s really rum and raisin.

So if fuckboys are so awful why is it that girls constantly go for them?

I put a survey out on social media asking girls to answer the question, “Why do girls go for fuckboys?” and this is what we came up with: 

1) 9/10 Fuckboys are typically attractive

And don’t they know it… This is most probably one of the main reasons’ boys feel they can treat girls like crap and get away with it. It’s not as if they have anything to lose (other than their integrity).

2) They definitely have a way with words

These boys have mastered the art of convincing girls that they truly care about them; the problem with this is that when I say girls I mean girls- plural because we all know that when they say “You’re the only girl I’m talking to” that it’s a damn lie. But for that moment we allow ourselves to be fooled, sometimes we just want to feel wanted even if its only temporary. Maybe that’s the appeal of a fuckboy- they’re temporary. Perhaps that’s all  we really want at the time, temporary love.

3) Good Guys come in last

“We like to think that the good guy always wins but that’s often not the case.”

Anonymous

It’s sad but I have to agree with her. There isn’t just one reason why this statement is true. Let’s unpack this, shall we? Firstly, majority of women will describe good guys as predictable which is often boring. This is one of the reasons fuckboys are appealing; they’re unpredictable, they have a reputation for being dangerous and what woman doesn’t like her man to be a little naughty. On the other side of this, dating coach- Matthew Hussey says, 99% of men will not approach women they find attractive; they are constantly waiting for the right moment. The problem with this is that while the good guys are waiting, the bad boys are playing. I came across a study where a guy mentioned how he tried being nice but that didn’t seem to get him anywhere with girls so he started robbing the girls he wanted to date and turns out, they were into it… (don’t know how to feel about that)

4) Fuckboys are the 1% that will approach you

“I always meet players… Of course, they’re the ones that approach you.”

Matthew Hussey

I am not trying to shame anyone for going for that 1% and say that girls settle, I know for a fact that I have fallen into this trap myself. Abraham Maslow theorized it himself, we all have a need to feel wanted and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I found in my own research as well as research done by others across the world, that women like confident men that aren’t afraid to approach them, this makes them feel important and worth somebody’s time. 

5) Snagging a fuckboy can feel like an accomplishment

What makes a fuckboy is the fact that every girl wants to date him so in a way when you snag one it feels like an accomplishment. The fact that out of all the girls that want him, he chose you. And this feel great, the problem is that its only temporary. For those of us who remember John Tucker Must Die, once a fuckboy gets what he wants, he’ll move on.

6) No strings attached

Some girls might find comfort in knowing that it’s only temporary. We live in a society where women are taking ownership of there sexuality and have no problem being in a “no-strings” relationship. Most girls prefer knowing exactly what they’re getting into; it’s a given that there are no strings; risks are lower and feelings are not an issue.

7) Every girl wants to be the reason he changes

This is the reason you’ve all been waiting for. Perhaps it has something to do with our nurturing instincts and how we subconsciously want to fix everything (in this case broken boys) or perhaps it makes us feel extra special that a notorious player is able to put away his bad habits just for you. Talk about a confidence boost! Imagine- someone loving you so much they’re willing to do away with their entire way of life just for you.

Now these aren’t excuses as to why one should date a fuckboy. It is important to remember that there is a difference between going on a date with a bad boy and dating a bad boy. That difference is the woman; someone who respects themselves and knows their worth will not subject themselves to someone who has no problem disregarding their feelings and treating them like trash. Women often ignore the warning signs because they’re afraid that if they wait for a good guy that they’ll be waiting forever. If there is one thing to take away from this article it is that you should never settle out of fear.

Carrying the mantle for all people of colour

Belinda Petersen makes history as the first person of colour to be appointed as Principal of Rustenburg Girls’ Junior School (RGJS) situated in Rondebosch, Cape Town. Petersen, current principal of Ottery Road Methodist Primary School is to begin her role as Rustenburg Girls’ Junior School principal on 1 July 2019.

It was announced in October 2018 that Rustenburg Girls’ Junior School Principal of ten years, Di Berry is to retire due to controversy over the slow pace of transformation at RGJS. It was important to the selection committee that they select the perfect candidate that will propel the school in the correct direction.

“For me transformation is not necessarily about the quota system, it’s more about changing mindsets and understanding that whomever is there, belongs there irrespective of who they are, where they come from, the colour of their skin or what language they speak.”

Belinda Petersen

In September 2018, past pupil and first black teacher appointed at RGJS, Nozipho Mthembu was urged to resign after her competency was questioned based off her race rather than her qualifications. This stirred up controversy and made parents question just how much transformation was actually taking place at RGJS. This was a topic addressed by the media as well as Parents for Change, a group consisting of concerned RGJS parents.

Belinda Petersen acknowledges that transformation is not an instant process and only once she has met with the school governing body and those spearheading transformation at Rustenburg Girls’ Junior School, will they determine the way forward. However one of the first things she wishes to change is the admissions policy which serves the surrounding community first, placing other applicants at a disadvantage. “You can’t deny other children of an education of such high quality. At the end of the day Rustenburg Girls’ Junior School is for every child, not just those seen as the cream of the crop.” Petersen says.

On the one hand some might find it difficult to understand the particular weight of this opportunity and see it as just another job but on the other hand, Belinda Petersen will be holding the weight of the entire coloured community on her shoulders. As the first person of colour appointed as principal of RGJS she is representing the coloured community and feels that if she puts her foot wrong in any way, it will put every other coloured person in a bad light. Petersen hopes to do her job to the best of her ability not just for herself but for the entire coloured community.